Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright

US comedian and actor (1955 - )

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

Categorized under Animals

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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

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If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

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I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

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My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

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I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

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When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

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They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

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Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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