Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen

US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Categorized under Money

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Categorized under Wealth

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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

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The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

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Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE

Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.

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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

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Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

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Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

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I am at two with nature.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?

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The wicked at heart probably know something.

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Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

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My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?

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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

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More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

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We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

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Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

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Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

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Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.

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Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

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Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

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How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

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